I DON’T LIKE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

 
The Hollywood Palladium on Sunset Boulevard . . . I used to bump into Larry there. He always considered himself second-string to Guy Lombardo. Lawrence Welk – I miss him.

I detest rock music. The Beatles’ “Yesterday” is good, and so are a couple tunes by Billy Joel. That’s it. I miss Guy and Larry. And don’t get me started on hip-hop.

I play clarinet. Are you familiar with clarinet? Nobody plays it anymore. A friend of mine — a music teacher — tells kids not to play clarinet. There are no clarinet heroes to look up to these days, and the axe is too hard. There used to be Pete Fountain, but that was 50 years ago. It’s a dead axe.

I like the woody middle register of the clarinet — you can’t beat it. The clarinet talks, and it says “This  ain’t rock ‘n’ roll!”

Klezmer? What about it? Klezmer had a moment. Maybe it’ll come back. In the meantime I play standards at nursing homes, and not just in Cleveland. I’ve played the Century Village circuit in Florida. What does an 80- year-old man smell like? Depends.

I talk to my audience before I play, like “How about those Guardians?” Sports talk. I played with Goodman at the Music Hall in Cleveland. Benny and I traded eights. Wait, I’m imaging that.

Rock ‘n’ roll came. And I went. I barely survived. Luckily I got gigs on the cruise ships. Google “Bert Stratton.” I’m a favorite on the Princess Line. I love the fun on the ships. Everybody forgets their troubles. I’ve been all over the world.

Have you ever been to the Hollywood Palladium? I have. Have you been to any ballroom? Are you familiar with the Aragon in Cleveland? I’m not talking about the Agora, the rock club. I had steady work. Then the money dried up . . . crazy rock ‘n’ roll.

I have friends visiting Cleveland soon. Old chums. Stipulation: no tour of the Rock Hall. We don’t want to see kooks’ costumes.

I once bumped into Lawrence Welk in Detroit. He had just signed with Dodge for a TV show. He was jumpy. He said, “Guy had a TV show and it was a flop. I don’t know.”

I like Larry. My grandkids don’t know from Lawrence Welk. My kids don’t know either.

One more thing . . . And this is crazy. I met Al Jolson. He told me I need to talk to the audience before I blow a single note. “Say something!” Jolson said “Then you’re on first base. The audience is relaxed, thinking ‘he’s a nice guy.’” Jolie also told me to add humor to my shows. He said I could hem and haw all I want — stumble around verbally. Just communicate. “People don’t want robots,” Jolie said.

I have fans. Jack Saul (a record collector in Cleveland), for instance. He loves my work. Unfortunately he’s dead. A lot of my fans are dead. They count, particularly if they don’t like rock ‘n’ roll.

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fiction. (Thirty-three percent of this is stolen from Irving Fields’ as-told-to autobio, The Pianos I Have Known.)

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