11 HEALTH TIPS FOR CHANUKAH
1. Eat your latkes and shut up.
2. Start every day by singing “The Star-Spangled Banner.” The song begins with a major triad, 5-3-1, which will straighten your spine.
3. Prick yourself, and if your blood isn’t bright red, eat potato chips — any brand — for the salt.
4. Eat sardines, lightly smoked, in oil. Make sure the can says “Chanukah oil.”
5. You need a gum graft. Get it now.
6. Don’t knock Miller Lite. It does the job.
7. Visit a pawn shop and buy an amp.
8. [For Catholics only. Remember, sainthood is hard to prove, so document everything. Video on.]
9. Eat dark chocolate. It’ll help your stomach absorb the flavonoids. And make sure your gelt is Belgian.
10. Gamble more. Try craps. Craps is more fun than dreidl.
11. Try Arby’s Horsy Sauce on salads, fish, latkes and fries. It’s better for you than tomato sauce.
4 comments
Right on bro! Can’t wait to try these tips. Will they help reduce the junk in my trunk?
Ah ha, Bert….Miller Light with an orange juice label taped onto the can….my favorite piece of the drumset!
a. Study about and/or experience modern art/architecture;
b. If in Cleveland spend time in AsiaTown, where it’s pretty much like any other Wednesday;
c. Visit at least one of the Judaica shops – particularly when Israeli or “chazzunisha” music is being played on a sound system; and
d. Lastly, spin a solid gold dreidel!
Re no. 4: Sardines should never leave trouser pockets….
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